A FUNDAMENTAL ISSUE

ANIL MITRA 2013

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Contents

The issue and its importance	1

I indulge my own lack of individuation	2

The opportunity	3

The solution	4

Rationale	4

What I will do and not do	4

Some tools	4

The issue and its importance

In a conversation with Robin on March 23, Robin made a number of negative comments about my situation and life choices, I found his attitude belittling, his tone occasionally scoffing (he was not sarcastic on this occasion), and his advice presumptive and counterproductive.

This cast a pall on my general mood and vision of my future. I am now, April 11, 2013 close to emerged from that pall.

The situation is not new. My parents behaved similarly and I first noticed Robin’s behavior about 15 years ago (on reflection I recollect signs from the time Robin was about 17). What is new is the magnitude of the behavior that emerged on March 23 this year.

The issues are (1) I want to stop this bondage to family baggage (of course as far as I am concerned it is my bond that is the issue, not Robin’s behavior) (2) I have say 5—25 years of good life ahead and I want live with a positive vision of the future, enjoy it, be emotionally invested in and put my best energy into my endeavors and to not be saddled with negativity (again the issue is mine).

Briefly—I simply cannot have this experience of interference.

That the issue is mine does not mean that I should not set limits (perhaps it means precisely that I should set limits if only as part of practically dealing with the issue). Further, I recognize that there is the seeming style of the concerned individual, perhaps subconsciously, being more concerned with their ego than the other person. This is not necessarily the result of self-centeredness or selfishness etc. but the result of incomplete ego individuation.

I indulge my own lack of individuation

The main thing

The main thing is that while I feel put down, there is no reason to do so. His slights and criticisms generally and for by far the most part have no basis. When they do I accept them.

Introduction

I shall indulge myself one bit of incomplete individuation. This section is to be jettisoned after I have worked through its issue.

It is to say that (1) facts are distorted, gaps in information filled in (2) true, distorted, and filled in facts are interpreted (in items 1 and 2 bias is consistently negative) (3) advice given is based on projection of Robin’s concerns (fears, life experience), omit positive outcomes of behavior, and based on the negatively biased items 1 and 2). Thus it is that I recall only a single instance where his presumption to ‘intervene’ had basis (regarding something I wanted to say to our dad—and this does not however mean that I agreed with content and tone of what Robin said but only that he had basis to say or suggest something), and no instance where his advice was productive (e.g. for Carissa it was somewhat meaningless and would have been inappropriate and, as explained in general in item 3, it seems to have been based in limited experience and conflating absence of information with absence of action).

Here the indulgence of my incomplete individuation is not manifest in what I say being distorted. Rather it is that I should need to say it all. That, for example, I would see presumption of superiority and react to it. Perhaps it is not entirely the result of lack of individuation for perhaps Robin deserves some explanation but that would also be due to incomplete individuation (me especially for thinking that he might need it and for thinking that it should work and finally for thinking that it might work where it has not worked in the past).

Trust

A personal side of the issue is that I have given trust. I have shared without asking. I am quite able to request help if needed. However, sharing is sharing—it is trust because you are my friend. It is given as sharing and not for any covert purpose. I now find this trust violated (the reason is irrelevant—if it is help that is a statement that need possible for help is perceived which subverts the purpose of sharing which is its own comfort and friendship even if I talk of difficulty) and now because of the violation I hesitate to share.

Equality

You occupy no privileged position that says ‘I am better able to know… my life is in order’. If you offer criticism—actual or implied—you enter the fray. If your reason—the overt one—is to help then, from the idea of rationality, you should also accept criticism for making better involves the whole scene. You should be willing to accept criticism of your entire being and world… if the principle is ‘make things better’ and not mere ego-gratification.

Some other resentments

No I’m not going to be your buddy in aging. I do not precisely read your mind—the way via your incomplete individuation think you already know mine and this is the source of your cheap ‘psychoanalysis’—but I suspect this is part of what’s going on. I will validate your fears and give comfort but I will not play any role in your validation of fears by behaving in like manner.

Others—dad, hair (you are talking about your fear), career, why you so vigilantly look for weakness, Carissa, gun, you are a slave of your social scene and try to interpret and then judge mine, your catty insults half stated under breath and then withdrawn as though to suggest ‘O, I don’t really want to say that because it might hurt you’ once you’ve already said it.

Individuation

This whole situation reeks of my lack of individuation.

Your input shows your lack of individuation. That you consistently seek and find explanation in someone else’s weakness as confirmation of your secure situation and that in the finding you project your weakness in the first place. Your blindness sees the whole world as if it were your left toe which you had just stubbed. Therefore your universe is a stubbed left toe and no one not even you is of any significance. The whole world, governments, men, continents, galaxies are their to service his toe-ness.

That I should seek this explanation at all (right or wrong) so as to feel better is my lack of individuation. This does not mean I should not seek it on the way to overcome it. That I want to seek explanations that I should have a pall cast suggests that lack of individuation on my part is part of the issue. Therefore the seeking of explanations is right temporarily—as relief and as solution—it is also wrong for me and the final solution is to set a limit and let it go.

For Robin everything is incomplete individuation—the whole projection onto the world, the relentless search for inferiority in others… and in my case the projection of his experience and concerns with children onto me and mine, his fears onto me, his concern with status and income onto me… and if I were to project back he would be just another human being mired in social transacting with no future, no vision of beneath or above or inward or outward, just existing… I am not individuated but am on the way.

Stopping it

Writing has been suggested. However, I now need to avoid obsession. I need to stop the obsession and follow principle (also outlined in this document).

What I don’t want

Explanations, apologies, counter-limits that say ‘but you…’—remember this is not some neutral issue… you are interfering in my life, saying ‘you realize what you are doing’ for you have not realized what you are doing.

Projection

Just about everything.

Carissa—your experience with your children, their (biological) father’s behavior toward them.

My career issues—your fear geared toward security and your probable need for status.

Aging—your fears and perhaps your desire for validation ‘let’s behave old together’.

The aging thing is important on a number of counts. Maybe you want to nothing and less and less till you die, well do it. Maybe you don’t want injury—well stay at home (the odds are that that won’t save you from an unpleasant decline and end).

But the most important thing is this. There is a biological phenomenon of decline; it follows some statistical patterns but no one is a statistic—the decline has different aspects and for each aspect the onset and significant decline can easily vary by 20 years. Then there’s the socio-cultural phenomenon of ‘old’ which depends, first, on how you look and, second, on what other people know your age to be. According to recipe you are expected to have certain infirmities whether you do or don’t and you are expected to behave a certain way. It’s two sided: other people expect it of you; the young expect it for some reason (as long as you aren’t trying to pick up a 20 year old I don’t see how it’s their bloody business) and the biologically old expect you to for misery loves company (and validation); and many people use it as an excuse to do less; and still others are fooled or intimidated by it. But what is reality? Things change. I can’t leg press what I once could—even if I try a lot less, say sets of 450 pounds my knees hurt. So you learn. One person might have this happen at 30 another at 60; but the cultural phenomenon would have you ‘be careful’ when you look a certain way or when you are the age at which someone else had the problem. There’s a realistic phenomenon and a cultural one and there’s a gap between them. It’s not really an issue except that you seem to want to make it one; so I object; so I say—do to yourself what you want but leave me alone. Now that’s not at all the end of it. At any point in life risks can be taken; there’s no reason a person who has seen some biological decline is any different. The optimum risk boundary balances expected loss with expected gain—but an old person should not do that; they should retire and stay at home and watch television shows from 50 years ago and putter around the house ‘Where did I leave my false teeth dear, I can’t find them because I don’t have my spectacles which I can’t find’ (spoken in weak and warbled tones.

Your beliefs—well here you are not projecting on me but simply projecting the default of the secular paradigm. It’s not much different from projecting some arbitrary religious belief (if you don’t believe me ask me and I’ll explain it). Meanwhile, stuck in the stupid conflict between stupid secularism and stupid religious cosmology you remain ignorant about *** and have apparently no wish to do anything about it. Well do what you want but don’t drag me in.

Hair—your conservatism projected so that some negative explanation must be found ‘recapture youth’ now that is extremely absurd.

Life situation—how you perceive you would feel.

Moving—your fears of loneliness.

Hiking—your fears of injury.

Drinking—haven’t said anything but I bet your drinking is worse than mine; my problem is that I take risks (you would be horrified so I won’t tell you).

Your fear of loneliness—your persistent questioning about my social life, I am quite happy with what I have and have always been so.

The way you argue—as though you are selling something to an investor who has to be convinced, up-playing form (you forget that not only am I intrinsically attuned to people’s psychological state, this is an area in which I have extensive informal and formal experience).

Do you feel this is a caricature of you? In some points I have extrapolated, in some I have anticipated. However, there is a core of reality. In any case the purpose is not to depict you but to show your distorted-depiction of me.

Two views

On view is the ‘secular’ and the ‘trans-secular’ lumped together (though not equated). The secular is the world of common experience. It is ok except where it becomes positivist dogma: ‘only this world exists’. As such it is a caricature—of course. However, it is the tacit worldview of many. It is one default. The other default that rounds out the range of modern views is the trans-secular. It posits something beyond the secular without basis.

The tacit secular is frequently recognized to be not ‘necessary’ for a view built from experience, science (or even evolutionary adaptation) are projected—interpolated and interpolation is never necessary. Now, if it is true interpolation then its projection is reasonably argued to be probable. The argument is: science has reached far into all niches therefore probably, science is a complete picture. However, science is not known to have reached into all niches. To assert that all niches have been found is to claim that there are no further micro worlds (beyond what is now the quantum) or macro (beyond the cosmos and general relativity…) or worlds of complexity (life in vastly different and greater forms). In the ‘inter’ of interpolation there may in the world be ‘universes’. That is not to say that there are universes but simply to say that from experience and science such cannot be ruled out and further there is no estimating probabilities unless we make assumptions such as ‘no further niches’.

From the secular point of view, religious cosmology is typically absurd. However, tacit positivism is pernicious since it masquerades where religion is unmasked. This is a reason to lump them together. Logically and probabilistically they are both immensely limited—again, which is not to say there the outside is ‘immense’ but there is on their lights no estimating the outside.

What should we do about this? Let us say there is no universal metaphysics (mine)? It would be a maximization of expected outcome to put some resources into investigating that the universe is the greatest possible universe that is consistent with what we know.

Yet the illusions of the secular and the trans-secular keep us captive. This is where you are. This is where I was at age roughly 18 (before and after that I was more ignorant). Even at the height of my positivism I left room for doubt. Anyway this doubt burgeoned and one of the results was the openness of secularism and trans-secularism where they are widely regarded to have shut reality down. Whether this is non-seeing, ignorance, loss of nerve, laziness, too much food and comfort (discomfort is a motivator)… the result is the same. We live and die under one of two shadows—there ain’t nothin’ out there versus there is and its scary because God’s in charge.

Since my skepticism regarding the ‘two views’ my metaphysics has come into being. I have proven that the universe is the greatest in some well defined sense. The result: the Universe is the object of Logic. Obviously some accounting with limits and experience is necessary. All this has been done. In other words (1) there is absolutely no inconsistency between the metaphysics and the two views (the inconsistency is seeming) and (2) the metaphysics is proven. The only doubt is the proof. Is it certain. If not it simply puts us back in to the maximize outcome situation of an earlier paragraph. However, the nudge is now in the direction of more resources to ‘search’.

So our views are different. What is more, in consequence of (1) our personalities and (2) views our priorities and inner lenses (interpretation) are different. Therefore there is a tendency to misinterpret, undervalue the other. However, there is a difference. I have already gone through your phase. I understand it and am not critical of it. Unlike you I do not have smug superiority.

Any way a tragedy of your judgmentalism is that you are trapped; and what angers me is that even though you may not see it this way your energies are directed at (even if not intentionally) getting me in the same trap.

Again, feel free to dwindle until dead but don’t put that same rope around me.

The opportunity.

The immediate opportunity is twofold.

Overcome the individuation issues. Perhaps, simultaneously, make my relationship with Robin better. Set my self up for better relationships, personal and social, in the future.

Set up my future as positive as explained earlier. Regarding my life and endeavor I think this is crucial.

And there is more.

It is precisely the problem that is an opportunity. Realization is forged in and through difficulty and precisely those difficulties that are in the first place difficult to recognize (for we think of them as our condition) and in the second place disabling. The opportunity is to sustain difficulty in the process of realization—to use it where it may be possible to do so.

What is the condition? It is not merely anxiety but there is a sickness as well, a wanting to give up, a sense of already having given up, a retreat into non-doing. We do not want to cultivate anxiety or angst (existential if unrecognized anxiety) but what is it? When it is there it is a natural resistance to going beyond what I think I am—the ‘comfort zone’. And regarding situational anxiety that is not existential anxiety, why not use it as such—as a spur?

The solution

I will request—

Regarding my self, life, plans, and endeavors you stop making negative comments (content and manner), stop stating judgment, stop giving advice when not explicitly requested.

Provide positive moral and emotional support for my life and endeavors, focusing on what I seek.

I will want to visit when I feel sufficiently assured. The visit will have to work around my plans. I do not want more than two weeks notice at this time. No drinking on the visit.

Rationale

Explanation has not worked in the past.

The positive outcomes noted.

The best way to a healthy ego and boundaries (and set up for healthy relationships).

What I will do and not do

I do not demand anything. I may encourage avoidance of the negative emphasis on the positive—at beginnings of conversations and as behavior emerges.

I may stop listening, including hanging up. Thus even though there is no demand I can and will be firm that I will not accept or have the behavior of item 1 above. My influence on item 2, so far as I can, will be encouragement and offering positive motivation.

I will not engage in explanation or argument or like behavior.

Some tools

Note that the following are general tools. Refine the list and its order.

Sustain anxiety.

Writing (this does not seem to be working in this issue perhaps because it causes stress by diverting from what I need to write).

Eat healthy, sleep regularly, exercise.

Time and patience.

Wait for ‘inspiration’.

Assertiveness in what I want and in setting boundaries.

AA Step tools and prayers.

Meditation.

Work on my life and endeavors including needs, writing, and journey (experiments).