Preliminary

Nothing I say here means I do not love you

That I am and have been concerned for your feelings and our relationship is one thing that has made dealing with the issue below difficult over the years and now

There is a softer, more explanatory version of this, but the meaning, point, and force of what I write to you seems to get lost in such versions

Soft analysis

Given two different functioning personalities, the sharing of ‘attitudes’ may be non-functional for one, the other, or the relationship, without either being ‘wrong’ or at fault. A reason for this is that personality is not a set of explicit independent propensities but a bound system integral to the identity (and reward system) of the individual. Thus problems arise among non-problematic people.

A responsible response is to identify and resolve issues.

Hard analysis

But our situation is not symmetric. You have been attempting to insert your attitudes in my life, not vice versa. If you deny this and say “I’m just saying…” I will remind you that you once said to me rather belligerently said to me about moving somewhere “be rational” and you continue to persist on the point whenever it comes up.

Problem

There are things you say that have and have had extremely negative impact on my life—feeling, function, time

There has recently been an adverse effect on my blood pressure

I am not saying you are the cause or are responsible—or not

… the core issue is not about you. That is, this is a problem—my problem, regardless whether you are saint, sinner, or just plain Robin

I experience this as intrusive and presumptuous, and it is bizarre that I should need to be concerned about you feeling bad because I don’t want the intrusion. I feel that you are overstepping natural boundaries of respect. I feel monitored.

Cost benefit

Thus the costs to me are enormous. Other costs are that you are not a sounding board, I hesitate to share, or ask for advice if I want it. However, the benefits are zero or negative in that your advice on important issues is either trivially obvious and partial or absurd.

Three main things, past and present, are—judgment, advice, and judgmental probing (especially around Christmas, birthdays, and vacations)

Judgmental probing examples? “Who are you going to spend the day with?”, “Do you have friends in the area?” and the judgment “I’m commiserating with you” and “You ought to think about that before moving”

It’s strange that you do not know that judgment and advice can be problematic—do an Internet search “on giving advice” or read the introduction to Robert Bolton’s People Skills

I will no longer be exposed to this

That it has continued for so long is my fault, for I should have been firm and clear earlier

Why now? I realized that if I do not take action, the problem will remain for the rest of our common lives

I accept consequences but not name calling

Solution—I want this relationship to be healthy

That this is repetitious and that things (angry judgment on things I’ve done in my life and that have nothing to do with you) have then been denied makes me less hopeful. One reason I’m so insistent. But experience will tell.

If you do not stop, I will not call you until I receive a commitment that you will stop, and your behavior is consistent with the commitment

I want to talk to you monthlycc, not weekly (also so I can focus on my life). If we talk I don’t want “let’s talk day after tomorrow, too, unless there is a reason”.

I may be open to changing this later

I am not going to talk to you around or during vacations (until reassured as above; this is also because a focus of my vacations getting away from social influence, for renewal, and for focus my life and goals)

Isolation, 1y+