Though I’m affected by others, above all, it is my own defensiveness—the actual negativity—that is the problem. And the question is, how do I deal with this integrated into a better life and better relationships? And how do I attempt to affect those relationships?

The imperative

These self and people issues have to stop and for them to stop, I have to take a risk, but it has to be an intelligent and thought out risk. And I need to acknowledge and accept and face the fact that there will be pain, but the purpose of that pain is to get better and to eliminate or help alleviate future pain for myself and perhaps for other people too.

Ideal approach to resolution

Now consider that regardless of what the source of my problem is the responsibility for resolving it is mine. And I can use this insight in doing that.

A practical concern

Given that I’ve tried the ideal – accepting responsibility and acting on it – and not yet succeeded, the ideal needs to be supplemented—

1. By setting limits. I’ve tried this and it hasn’t worked well but precisely, in part, because of the self-negativity. Again, risk is essential.

2. By various ways of isolation. First—physical. But second and perhaps most importantly—by sufficient goal and non-goal oriented meditations.

a. Boundaries, no debate; silence, isolate (the truth about he really is, limit calls to 15 min)

Dealing with people

The next question is, how and how much of this do I take to other people communicate with them and how perhaps do I non defensively communicate with them so as to improve relationships and my own life? Also note that though I said the problem is above all mine, it does not mean that the source part of the source does not lie elsewhere. Again, the question is, how to deal with that, how to communicate it explicitly, implicitly, not at all, and so forth.

Details about people—gaslighting

A gaslighter is someone who persistently minimizes a second person for their own benefit that is the gaslighter’s benefit and denies or minimizes or explains or laughs it away when the second person complains and may also become belligerently minimizing at the complaint. The gaslighter may also see imagined criticism on comparison at neutral statements by the second person. In summary, the gaslighter greatly magnifies the imagined speck in the second person's eye, while not seeing the huge and real beam in their own. Now, the gaslighter's behavior may be subconscious or dimly conscious, but there also may be play in that they have awareness, but deny awareness.

Details—judgment

Negative judgments, that is, criticism, should be true and useful, and if made to a person or entity that is not harmful, should also be kind. There is more to it than just that, but if those conditions are not satisfied, all of the judgment does or mostly what it does, he satisfy the ego and perhaps the cruelty help me possibly dishonest critic.

Though there is an intent to help, the expression is about helping his own ego.

Details—judgment vs reality

Whatever his meaning and intent, it’s in his mind, and not intrinsically about me. Which does not mean it will not hurt, but does mean that I should try and not let it hurt. How? By myself alone? Or by talking to him, which, thus far has been counterproductive.

Details—what I’ve learned

But the real lesson here for me, is what I may have learned about myself, and what to do with the personality issues that plague me. I need to think more about this, but here is some preliminary thoughts. First, it takes time and place, and sometimes going through and living with pain to realize what’s going on cognitive emotionally. Second, the learning about space between perception and reaction in between reaction and action. Third, as I already know, how to communicate this kind of thing to other people regarding myself, is difficult for me, but also because the challenges whatever comfortable mess others may have with the established structure of relationships (I need to look up that reference, which is on something like dealing with difficult people). Fourth these are all thoughts toward a resolution, and while there may be some resolution, I ought to remind myself, that the process remains ongoing.

This excursion

Hikes

9/23 – Tuesday – Day 1 – 2h, 3mi

9/24 – Wednesday – Day 2 – 4h, 5mi

9/25 – Thursday – Day 3 – 5h, 8mi

9/26 – Friday – Day 4 – 2h, 4mi

9/27 – Saturday – Day 5 – 5h, 9mi

9/28 – Sunday – Day 6 – 2h, 1mi

9/29 – Monday – Day 7 – 3h, 5mi (rain begins, lasts all nights, the beginning of four days of rain and walks in the rain, with breaks sufficient for meals).

9/30 – Tuesday – Day 8 – 4h, 6mi

10/1 – Wednesday – Day 9 – 2h, 3mi

10/2 – Thursday – Day 10 – 4h, 4mi

10/3 – Friday – Day 11 – 3h, 4mi

10/4 – Saturday – Day 12 – 6h, 10mi

10/5 – Sunday – Day 13 – 3h, 5mi

10/6 – Monday – Day 14 – 2h, 4mi

10/7 – Tuesday – Day 15 – 3h, 5mi

10/8 – Wednesday – Day 16 – 1h, 2mi

Notes

‘Accomplishments’ – (i) From wake to coffee including dressing and arranging tent in 8 minutes and 20 seconds (ii) Wash entire body and shave with 16 oz of water.

10/5 – Sunday: lovely setting sun over Lower Canyon Creek Meadows – bright and dark greens in the sun and shade, with blue sky above (see pictures)

10/5 – The key, the key; is minimality. But I want a hamburger, a beer, and my warm bed at home.

10/7 – Tuesday: lovely hike in the cool of the morning to a little beyond Sawtooth Overlook.

I travel in gloom

Those who write and live as I have, travel under a burden. It was not always thus. There were times of sunlight and friends. But now I have become naïve and am insufficiently oikophobic and generally critical. My narrative is inclusive and contains the grand. And I am kept prisoner by a dark lord in a distant world.

A hike in the rain

September 30 day eight three hours five miles in the rain. It's a good thing the challenger being in the rain. The y thing is messed up beyond belief. It hurts, it is screwing my life, but I have to keep it essentially simple. Replace everything by boundaries, no debate, silence, isolate, no complaint.

A family history

Robin, write family history it doesn't have to be totally accurate. It can be modified, embellished, and added to in various ways to make it a more interesting and significant read.

A hawk

October 7. I saw a hawk today. It was flying among tree branches. It landed. It moved from branch to branch. It seems to be feeding on something or feeding something there seem to be a smaller bird around which I thought might be appraised species, but it could’ve been young hooks in a hawk nest. I couldn’t tell. Anyway, there are photographs which are not too clear because of my iPhone’s limited magnification.

The real beginning of the excursion

Thus, though this is the last full day of this time in the Trinity Alps, the excursion has just begun. The forest is healing, but sometimes one has to go through hell to heal and see the truth.

I am 78

September 26 – I am 78 at noon today, PST, for it is 12:30 AM in India the time which I was born in 1947.

On age and term limits for elected and appointed representatives and others

I am not for age limits because—

· I do not think it would significantly resolve the issue of ability in government.

· Given the variability in age related capability, he would rule out essential ability when it occurs

How I think the issue may be addressed

Noting that while age is one concern, there are other issues of candidate suitability and ability.

What I think would be good is a set of disclosures that candidates and the point is should release

· Financial records – tax records, possibly financial history

· Legal – at least all felonies.

· Health records, and current health assessed by reliable specialists to include statistical projections, such as expected and physical decline.

· A statement of ethics– history and intent.

· Political records of position, supported and financial campaign sources with documentation.

On possible limits.

· Two terms for senators three for representatives.

· Further terms may be possible perhaps after gap of one term for senators and two for representatives

· Supreme, and other courts– perhaps 10 years with possible reappointment after awaiting period of five years. Note I do not think judges ought to be elected.

· Limits of duration of campaigns and financial contributions.